Sirens
A lot of people seem to have misunderstood Sirens on Netflix. Here we discuss the nuance of the three main female characters, Devon, Simone, and Kiki and what the show is trying to say about how women survive patriarchy.
I wrote a thread on Sirens immediately after finishing it that stirred up a lot of good conversation and had us muddling it through differently. Those thoughts deserve a more concrete space (with less spelling errors), so I am going to share and expand upon them here. The original thread holds a lot of valuable input from women about what they saw in the show so I’d encourage you to check that out as well.
(Spoilers ahead)
The sirens in mythology are monstrous sea women perched upon rocks luring sailors to their death & destruction.
We know patriarchy is strong because this myth persists despite the well known fact that men chasing adventure do daring & destructive things all the time of their own accord. Those things often involve beautiful women and get blamed on them, but women aren’t the monsters men make them out to be, they just get caught in men’s dangerous games. That’s the point of Sirens.
It was cleverly marketed to conceal this fact, portraying Julianne Moore’s character, Michaela (KiKi) as a rich, powerful, seductress controlling everyone around her and her billionaire old money husband (Peter, played by Kevin Bacon) as the friendly, aloof, along for the ride guy.
What we find out as the show goes on is what we should have known all along: he’s causing the chaos in his life and using the women he’s surrounded by to blame, fix it, or keep him entertained along the way. So is almost every male character in the show.
The sob story Peter has constructed (and maybe has even grown to believe himself) is that Kiki kept him from his kids. What we find out later as he’s about to make the same mistake again is that his kids chose to distance themselves because he threw their mom over for another woman. Peter eventually gets forgiveness from his kids while Kiki is sent away so he can do what he wants while constructing more myths about monstrous women.
The parallel story line, that of Simone, her sister, Devon, and the men in their lives shows the same thing.
Simone & Devon have both been traumatized because their dad pulled a very similar patriarchal move in their lives. He refused to get his mentally ill wife the help she needed, neglected her when she needed care, ultimately causing devastation to his whole family and requiring another woman (Devon) to swoop in and save everyone, totally ignoring the cost to her.
Simone and Devon deal with this trauma in different ways. Simone chooses the more acceptable way of presenting picture perfect while Devon is outcast as a drunk and a slut. We judge Devon for her bad choices in comparison to Simone. At the end when Simone keeps choosing the picture perfect over the ethically sound we get to switch and judge her in comparison to Devon.
Either way, the women watching the show are pushed to judge Kiki, Devon, and Simone even though they are being used as pawns by hapless men who want adventure without reality or consequences…much like sailors in uncharted waters .
The show makes this abundantly clear in often hilarious ways, like three men chasing Devon down a beach while all she wants to do is help her sister. Or Devon’s rich boyfriend drunkenly throwing himself off a cliff after she rejects his proposal and blaming her.
And it repeatedly asks us to see the women as only having bad choices they’ve been given in the game of patriarchy, like at the end when Kiki tells Devon that Simone isn’t a monster.
If you didn’t understand Simone’s final decision, what does that say about you?
Yes, we all wanted Simone to pick the women. A better question than, “ why didn’t Simone pick her sister and Kiki?” Would be, Is Simone at all set up to make that decision given the way she’s been treated in her her life so far?
And why does it matter at all what one character or another chose on a five episode Netflix series? It matters because these characters are representative of women under the patriarchy and the choices we make when all the options we have are bad. Your inability to empathise with Simone may not matter, but your ability to empathise with your neighbour down the street who grew up in the foster care system does.
The fact that so many people (especially white men) are missing the point of Sirens isn’t at all surprising.
It is disappointing though. In a world full of remakes and hundreds of action hero movies this was unique, beautiful, and really well executed.
We need more shows like this and we likely won’t get them cause men are hell bent on crashing themselves against the cliffs, blaming women, and convincing women to judge and blame each other.
IG vs. Reality
As a disabled mom and reactiive dog owner it’s not alway easy to make content, but I’m trying.
I’ve been (relatively) absent from social media lately.
My life is at a weird transition point that is taking years.
Most of this has to do with my worsening disability. If you’re a regular Muddler, you may know that I deal with autism, POTS (Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome), and EDS (Ehlers Danlos Syndrome). But lately my biggest issue has been ME (Myalgic Encephalomyelitis).
Like many who deal with ME, I am finding every day tasks (showering, cleaning, surviving) difficult and additional tasks (posting or “working” in any capacity, traveling, maintaining community and relationships) almost impossible. I recently saw a study (thanks to brilliant @jendomsick and @sunrequiem who post great resources on this stuff) that says people with ME have a worse quality of life than those with heart & lung disease or cancer. That definitely feels true to me.
I am privileged to have a financial support system and caregiver in my partner. I have access to aids like a power wheelchair, adjustable bed, and service dog that many people do not (but everyone should). While they all help improve my quality of life, none of them are able to get me even relatively close to the level of function I had just a few short years ago.
In addition to all of that, I am still a mom. While my boys are both almost adults and mostly tackling their own adventures, it’s important to me to still be a support system to them.
This is how I discovered that parenting young adult children can be challenging. My oldest (Tucker, almost 20) has been home for the past month between the end of his second year of university and the beginning of his first internship across the country. This means him and his stuff are in a semipermanent state of being scattered across my home in preparation for a 2 month stint in Mississippi, followed by less than a month here, and another move to his apartment at school…all of which come equipped with different amenities and require a different packing list.
The mental state which we find ourselves in is a similar shambles. Armed with an ADHD diagnosis and prescription, but still having difficulty staying on top of filling the RX, Tucker’s executive functioning can struggle at times. Plus he’s used to living on his own or with other young men, which are a different set of living standards than I like to keep in my home. It’s all a mess.
It’s a mess I wouldn’t trade, but it presents an additional challenge.
Finally, we still have George, the big reactive dog. While he continues to do at home service tasks every day and make slow progress around some of his reactivity, he isn’t the worry free public access dog I was hoping for and finding a care team (vet and sitters) has been an epic challenge we haven’t completed yet.
I am really hoping we will keep making (VERY slow) progress in all these areas and I will eventually be able to post more. But for now, the struggles of every day life as a disabled person who cares about other complicated creatures is taking everything I’ve got.
Community requires conflict resolution
Conflict resolution is a key element of community. No community is going to consist only of people who we all get along and work well with. Inevitably we will need to do some conflict resolution at some point.
Almost all of us are lacking conflict resolution skills because that’s how we are socialized in capitalist empires. Capitalism thrives on hyper individualism and has a vested interest in dividing us as much as possible.
We will all have to do the work of unlearning this hyperindividualism and learning how to work with others in conflict resolution.
This will probably look very different in real life versus online spaces.
illustration of colorful faces with hand lettering that reads, "communuty requires conflict resolution"
As we slide further and further into fascism, many more of us are recognizing the importance of community.
Ideally, we would all be part of strong, accepting, accessible communities in both online and real life spaces. I hope that’s what we are all working towards. I’ve shared here in the past some ways to curate community and keep it safe for everyone.
Unfortunately for many disabled people, real life community is largely inaccessible (especially with most people, including leftists, refusing to mask), so we often rely more on digital spaces.
Conflict resolution is a key element of community. No community is going to consist only of people who we all get along and work well with. Inevitably we will need to do some conflict resolution at some point.
Almost all of us are lacking conflict resolution skills because that’s how we are socialized in capitalist empires. Capitalism thrives on hyper individualism and has a vested interest in dividing us as much as possible.
We will all have to do the work of unlearning this hyperindividualism and learning how to work with others in conflict resolution.
This will probably look very different in real life versus online spaces.
In real life most of us understand that speaking to someone one on one to discuss an issue is probably the most effective way to begin. Not only do we want to ensure that the other person is aware of the issue and has a chance to address it, but most of us don’t love airing dirty laundry in public, ours or someone else’s.
Online, people often begin publicly. Maybe this is because that’s how most of our communication is with community members in online spaces. Maybe it’s because the culture online is different. But the people behind the screens are still people deserving of respect, relationship, and communication.
Wherever you’re building community and relationships, please:
Make sure you are making it inclusive, safe, and accessible.
Engage in a conflict resolution practice. (Practice means its ongoing and we don’t always get it right but we keep trying)
Treat relationships and people as if they matter, because they do. As Kristianna says, relationship is our most abundant resource.
Another important thing to note is that some of the conflict resolution that may be required could be internal. Some of us are naturally better or raised to be better at conflict resolution and existing in community than others. Folks who are taught at a young age that something is wrong with them often struggle to grow up and exist in relationship with others.
This is where a lot of the shadow work we discussed before comes in. If we recognize we are the people struggling to be in community (I speak from personal experience and ongoing work here), we need to do the work to move with or heal that part of ourselves and try not to cause harm to others.
As with many of these topics, I’ve built a TikTok collection around it where you can see creators (most of the global majority), discuss conflict resolution in different ways.
Illustration of a decorative heart held up by crows with hand written text that reads, “Mutual Aid Moment”
Mutual aid is a vital part of community care and liberation work.
If you have the funds, please give. If you do not, please share the link with others and encourage them to do so!
Liberation work from the ground up: Get some practice(s)
We call it a practice because you have to keep doing it. You can’t just do it once and be done. Not only will you encounter more grief, but you never know when it will affect you or someone you love. The more you practice, the safer you become for people in tough situations or when you have a tough situation.
Welcome back!
Remember as we get into this that we are doing slow, intentional work that lays the groundwork for us to be safe in community and liberation movements.
If you want to skip these things, you are unsafe to do the work. If you think they don’t apply to you, you’re unsafe to do the work. Take the time to make yourself a safe(r) person. This section contains a lot, so feel free to pause and revisit as you tackle different parts.
Illustration of dirt with three clovers and hand lettering that reads, “Step three: get some pratice(s)
Step Three is get some practice(s).
We are going to cover some basic practices us white folks can engage in to make us safer community members and better prepare us for liberation work.
Those practices are:
Grief
Self care
Shadow work
Conflict resolution
Imagination
Grief: You need a grief practice. Life is grief. Bad things will happen. People you love will die. And at the end you will too. It doesn’t matter how many positive affirmations you do, that’s where we are all headed.
When you have a grief practice, you practice acceptance of that reality and you are better prepared when those times come. When you are better prepared, you can more easily return to self care, accept community care, and provide care for others also grieving.
Having a grief practice means you will be better at holding space for the grief of others. It will make you less likely to turn your attention away from issues that need your attention.
We call it a practice because you have to keep doing it. You can’t just do it once and be done. Not only will you encounter more grief, but you never know when it will affect you or someone you love. The more you practice, the safer you become for people in tough situations or when you have a tough situation.
Some of you still haven’t grieved how the pandemic changed us. Some of you aren’t properly grieving these election results. If you are trying to jump right to action, particularly if you’re skipping the steps I’ve laid out so far, chances are you are trying to avoid grief. Avoiding grief makes you an unsafe person.
Self care: We need to be careful in this one. You need a self care practice but not in a way that supports consumerism and spending. Not in a way that is led by thin white women. Not in a way that is trying to sell you something or dismiss the experiences of the most oppressed.
You need a self care practice to stay alive and well enough to do the work.
This looks like rejecting martyrdom and engaging in restorative rest.
It looks like knowing the difference between boundaries and rules.
It looks like learning how to resource and accomodating yourself.
Martyrdom is tempting for white women. We’ve so often been required to do more work than our male counterparts that it’s often the only way we think we can get attention and care.
The trouble is it doesn’t actually get us what we need. It sets us up as a victim even though under white supremacy we are often the problem.
Everyone deserves the rest they need to function as well as they can for each day.
But we need to remember that the ability to rest is a privilege and the most marginalized individuals need it most.
Do you know the difference between boundaries and rules?
Boundaries are put in place to outline what YOU will accept from others and rules are you trying to tell OTHERS what to do.
We want boundaries not rules.
If you have a lot of rules for others, it’s likely cause you haven’t put enough boundaries in place.
What white people often do is fail to put boundaries in place for themselves around other white people and then try to use rules to take the resulting emotions and consequences out on people of the global majority.
One of the ways to know what boundaries need to be set is to start to know what resources and accommodations you need. Many of us stay so busy and distracted that we never figure out what we need to be truly taken care of and accomodated.
So many people are dealing with new disabilities since 2020 that they haven’t yet admitted or adjusted to.
If we do not know what care we need and how to accept it from others, we are in no place to try to care for others.
This isn’t an excuse to spend more money on leggings or wellness retreats. This is an invitation to do the revolutionary work of knowing yourself and asking for help if you need it (and we all need help sometimes).
In order to really know ourselves, we need to do shadow work.
Again, this isn’t an invitation to spend money on crystals and tarot cards. (Although if you are going to spend money support creators of the global majority doing this work*)
It’s the work we do to acknowledge that everything has good AND bad, strengths AND weaknesses. That includes us.
If you do not acknowledge your weaknesses, vulnerabilities & shadow side, you are going to cause harm to others. Not only that but people will also be less safe to be their whole, complicated, messy selves with you.
Which leads to the next point: You need to have a conflict resolution practice.
It’s fun to say we want to be in community, but people seem to forget that being in community requires room for disagreement and conflict resolution.
If people can not tell you that they have a problem with you without you calling the manager, cops, or HR, you are not a safe person.
You can decide what works best for you to develop a conflict resolution practice (remember practice means ongoing), but it probably includes a journal for self reflection and some real life practice with white people you trust who can trust you.
“Harvesting Chaos” is a book by an author of the global majority that may help you work through some of these practices.
Illustration of dirt with two clovers and hand lettering that reads, “They are called practices cause we keep doing them and (hopefully) get better”
Finally, it’s really important as we start to do this work that we develop an imagination for how things might be different.
When we are scared and angry, we aren’t usually strategic. And the work the world needs us to do is strategic. One way to start is to be able to imagine where you want to go.
SatrayReads made this point really well and had the suggestion that before we read liberatory nonfiction, we read speculative fiction.
Here are a list of some speculative fiction books to help jump start your imagination:
Anything by N.K. Jemisin, Octavia Butler, or Nnedi Okorafor,
specifically, “How Long ‘Til Black Futures Month?” By N.K. Jemisin and
“Binti” by Nnedi Okorafor
“An Unkindness of Ghosts” by Rivers Solomon
“Raybearer” by Jordan Ifueko
“Long Division” by Kiese Laymon
“Cemetery Boys” by Aiden Thomas
That was a lot to cover. Please remember that if you have questions or need to process, you are welcome to do that in any of my spaces, but not those of the folks I have linked here.
I would love to hear how it’s going and I’ll be back soon with more.
Movement work: starting from the ground up.
We are going to do this from the ground up because that’s where us white folks need to start.
That doesn’t make us bad people, it just makes us socialised under white supremacy.
A lot of white folks are ready to do some work. If you’re here I hope you’re one of them.
First things first: I am a white person speaking to white people (although everyone is, of course, welcome to listen).
picture of a white person with curly hair wearing glasses and a mask
We have work to do and it is not the job of people of the global majority to teach us how to do that (unless it actually is their job, and then you better be paying them well).
But we don’t have to reinvent the wheel because non white folks have been doing this work as long as they’ve been around. So most of the resources I reference will be from them and other marginalized groups. This not only gives you the best info, it gives you folks to follow and support going forward.
If you find yourself struggling with something a person of the global majority says in one of these resources, please use your journal (see below) to work that out or bring it back to any of my spaces to work out with me.
Today we are going to focus on 2 things you will need to complete in order to move forward. If you already do/have done these things, awesome, we’ll pick back up with you on the next lesson. If you think these things aren’t that big of a deal or don’t help that much, please stay and sit with that. Thinking that you need to do something big, flashy & fast is a part of the problem. The need for urgency and ego boosts are both things that have brought us to this point.
Your first homework assignment is to get a journal and commit to using it before taking your thoughts and actions public.
It can be a physical, digital, audio journal, whatever kind works best for you. But you need a place to express and process your feelings with yourself first. Please don’t proceed until you have it.
Illustration of dirt with hand lettering reading, “Liberation work for white folks from the ground up”
We are going to do this from the ground up because that’s where us white folks need to start.
That doesn’t make us bad people, it just makes us socialized under white supremacy.
Ope…did that make you feel uncomfy to read? Sit with it. Use your journal if you have a lot of feelings to process.
We exist in white supremacy. That means that if you are white, you have been socialized to (subconsciously for the most part) make whiteness the most important thing about you. It gives you privilege, informs your world view, and affects the way you are treated and treat others.
It is what gave us Donald Trump and what we must always be aware of if we want to do liberation work.*
That understanding informs everything we will talk about and do moving forwards because it is the foundation of the world we live in.
If that’s really tough for you to accept, maybe take a few days with it and journal, process your emotions and see if you can get there. If you can’t, you aren’t ready to do liberation work (this includes organizing, calling yourself an ally, protesting, etc…) because you will make that work more dangerous for others.
“If you are not interested in sitting with yourself, I’m not interested in sitting with you.”
If you can work with that, let’s move forward.
Illustration of dirt with one clover in it and hand lettering that reads, "step one: get a journal & commit to using it, perhaps to process your feelings about living under white supremacy"
The second thing is: Get vaccinated and wear a mask in public spaces.
This is as basic as it gets. If you can’t handle this level of commitment and inconvenience, you have no place in movement work
Masks keep you safe, they keep other people safe, they prevent surveillance, and they make a loud statement to others about who you are and what you stand for (and don’t). When you are wearing a mask, you may be treated differently by those in your environment, especially if you live in a conservative area. Sit with that feeling, journal about it, and understand that it is far less than Black, brown & non passing trans folks experience every single moment of every single day.
It’s been said a lot of places by now, but don’t bother with a blue bracelet if you aren’t wearing a mask.
Make masks part of your outfit and your public identity. Wear them in photos. Keep them stocked in your bag, car & home for others. If you are holding an event, make sure you require and provide masks. Stop going to indoor restaurants as there is no way to properly mask and eat. Use a properly fitting N95 for the best protection.**
Illustration of dirt and two clovers with hand letterign that reads, "Step two: get vaccinated and wear a mask in public places."
I’ll be back soon with our next steps. In the meantime, feel free to message me on any of my platforms or comment here if you have questions or need help with these first two steps.
*When I say “liberation work” I am referring to a set of beliefs that says all humans deserve freedom and human rights and the practices (community care, mutual aid, decolonizing, etc…) that inform that belief system.
**Resources for more mask info: